Q: How do you deal with impostor syndrome? I’ve been feeling so weirdly about stepping out of my comfort zone, so much that the things I know I’m good at seem to pale in comparison of what I used to feel like I was meant to do.
A: When I first started my Tarot channel, I didn’t think in a million years that I’d amass such a supportive and loving audience; let alone a business in the midst of a pandemic. Sitting in my Queens apartment watching countless hours of videos, feeling inspired to do the same, and following the nudging feeling had finally begun to pay off. I built my own website, edited my own sales posters, thumbnails, and channel art. I had built this idea from bottom up.
Yet, this did not save me from the vicious monster that is Impostor Syndrome.
Even knowing all the grueling hours and energy expended were paying off, I still felt like I was playing some sort of role. It wasn’t real, and people were going to find out that I wasn’t who I was “portraying” myself to be.
This feeling became unbearable. I didn’t think my work was worth putting out, or feel that my messages were resonating. At first I thought it was a need for outside validation plaguing my spirit. Eventually, it led to feeling as if I was ungrateful for even thinking this way.
How dare I feel so conflicted and miserable in what was supposed to be the prime of my life? I was being given the privilege to show my gifts to the world. And I was squandering it. However, what was really going on was a beautiful Tower moment in which I found myself, my tribe, and my purpose. I learned that Impostor Syndrome is the side effect of that glorious moment right before you propel into your 12th house year and cure it by facing your fears.
What if you aren’t who people think you are? Are other people’s projections your burden to carry? And will it matter if they decide that who you are just isn’t enough for them?
I started to ask myself that over and over again. I realized that I was bullying myself, and who I am—is perfectly fine for others. Whatever was going on was internal. I desperately needed to rebuild something, and that something: was my confidence. This allowed me to go within, and look deeper into what was triggering me.
I was equating my productivity to my worth, and it was disconnecting me from my intuition. What I was doing simply just wasn’t fun anymore, and it was because I was creating what I thought others wanted to see instead of what I intuitively felt was right. This was blocking my growth and eventually any sort of regeneration I created for myself. I started missing deadlines, stopped uploading, and eventually began closing my bookings for personal readings. Nothing I was doing felt right, because I wasn’t allowing myself to fully express my creativity out of fear.
Fear is a low vibrational energy that eats away at the crust of your soul and tears its way out creating phobias, jealousy, codependency, and sadness. These feelings serve purpose as they trigger you to heal the wound it’s created. I realized that the deeper issue was the need to heal my inner child. Growing up, I found that any attempt at expressing myself creatively, emotionally, or mentally had been stifled (either by myself, an adult, or experienced ostracism in my youth with social groups). Within this newfound freedom to earn my own income creatively, I was treading uncharted waters.
I had never felt safe in my creative expression before.
This helped me realize that when you are allowing others to tell you who you are, deciding that they won’t look further into you; it speaks to a deeper lack of faith in humanity. I had determined that not healing the wounds associated other’s previous mischaracterization of me, allowed me to mischaracterize myself out of fear of this happening again.
Recognizing this opened the door for me to move forward triumphantly, take stock of my blessings, and lower the volume of the fear. I began to do more tarot for leisure (as I did before this became my job), connect with my ancestors, and spend more time caring for myself--rather than what others thought of me. I realized that Impostor Syndrome can only do it’s dangerous job when you are living for others and not yourself. It’s main accelerant is guilt, and you feed it each time you veer off of your path trying to conform to another that you think will appease others.
And though I have come to a calmer place in my life, killing off some of the self doubt that a lifetime of doing this has brought me; I know this will not be my last bout with it. I will always have to affirm myself, release to heal it, and give myself the same grace I give others.
You deal with impostor syndrome by understanding that who you are is enough, and it always will be. Your brain may not know this, but your soul does. Ground yourself and give it a chance to speak to you; loud and clear.
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